I am an extra in my own life

I abandoned this for two years because I was in it for the quick fix. I thought that writing about trying to be a better person would have some sort of subconscious psychological effect on me and my brain and that it would all be okay. I don’t know why I’m blogging about this when I could just as easily type it into a word document, because no one will ever read this. Maybe it helps to think I’m putting it out into the universe.

How do I know no one will ever read this? Because I believe that my life is an easy indication. I need to talk about being average; an extra in my own life.

For some reason it’s taken me way too long to realise that I have spent my life being completely average, no more, no less. The way I look, act, think, dress, just am. I think almost every child is brought up to think that they are special, that they can achieve anything they set out to, that they have so much potential. I am no exception to this, my parents said these exact things to me. I actually use to think that I was smart, and creative, and even funny. I thought I possessed qualities that set me apart from other people. Don’t get me wrong, I have never thought I was above anyone else, but I thought I was different. How ignorant, right? There are more than 7 billion people on this planet and I had the audacity to think I had a little bit of ‘special’ in me.

If you were to imagine the most average, standard person you possibly could, you wouldn’t see me. I’d be standing next to the person you thought of, just out of focus. I’m not even average enough to be a textbook definition. Everything I have done, and everything that has happened to me, has been so completely ordinary. I have passed tests and failed them, loved someone toxic and had my heart broken, my parents split up, I have gained and lost people I would never have expected. I have gotten and lost jobs, hurt people, been on holiday, can averagely play an instrument, been to hospital, visited someone I love in hospital. Can someone tell me anything that is out of the ordinary?

I review my life so far and nothing that stands out to me, is anything you haven’t seen or read before. Even my own interests are basic as can be; I have never discovered anything. The way I look is average. Not average as in those girls described in teen novels that are plain but cute, and not in a way that if she takes her glasses off you suddenly see the girl you’ve always been looking for. My face isn’t symmetrical, my hair is flat and I’ll never have a nice figure. Even dying my hair and buying expensive make up has done nothing for me.

I have mediocre-ly tried to be better, be a bit ‘more’. I wish I was ‘too much’, because at least then I could feel something, and know that there was a possibility other people might notice me. Even my opinions are boring and average, how fucking lame is that? The way I feel about things is probably exactly the same as the majority of the rest of the world.

I want to be more, be something. Literally at this point, anything will do. I have a desire to be noticed, appreciated; to have an impact. I would give up so much for someone to find me interesting. But once again, how is that any different to anyone else? I am an extra in my own life, in the background, pretending to be talking or eating or just being normal. I am pretending that I matter. But I think the movie can continue without me.

Advertisements